Bump Watch

I have to admit, I am an adorable pregnant woman. Problem is, I'm not pregnant, I just look it.

I stood naked in front of my mirror for twenty minutes yesterday in pure wonderment. I know there's no baby in there, but the rotund sack protruding out of me may cause some to believe otherwise. What scares me is that, if I don't get rid of this appendage soon, what will I look like when I'm actually pregnant?!?!

Needless to say, in the past five months, I have made little to no progress in terms of weight loss. In fact, I've managed to do the exact opposite of what I set out to do. I now work out less and eat more than I ever have.

The first year of marriage has definitely proved to be challenging in the way of finding enough hours in the day. It doesn't help that I live 60 kilometres away from where I work, so I'm more or less losing two and a half hours a day strictly on commuting. By the time I get home, it's almost 7:00 and I'm pooped. If my husband is working a late shift, and I have to prepare dinner, it means I'm cooking something simple, which usually translates to fattening, and I'm not eating until 8:00 (at least). The rest of the night is spent lounging on the couch in front of the TV because, let's face it, at this point the last thing I want to do is haul my ass to the gym.

I know these are all excuses. I know that if I really, really wanted to, I could find the time. I also know that life isn't going to get any easier. Next will be babies, and with that, a million more excuses.

I just had a vision, and in it was a gunt. I need to do something about this fast!

Gluttony. That's All.

My friend Christine and I have a bad habit of msn-ing each other all day long complaining about our bodies. We just finished having a conversation about our least favourite body parts. Mine = Stomach. Hers = Ass. I said my stomach looks like dough, and she says her ass looks like cheese, which made a light bulb go off in my head. Maybe after a while, our body parts start resembling our greatest food weaknesses. I love bread with all my heart. I believe Christine feels the same way about cheese. I'm pretty sure I'm onto something.

Anyway...this past weekend I went on a camping trip with a bunch of friends. I think it just goes without saying that weekends away in the summer are not a good combo for me. It's like my conscience goes on a break as well. Can't believe I'm about to do this, but here goes the list of what I consumed this weekend:

Friday Night:
Asian chicken bites and fries from Wendy's with a diet coke
3 handfuls of chips by the fire
1 hot dog (because who doesn't want a hot dog cooked on the fire?)
2 handfuls of corn nuts
3 Bud Light Limes
*Gulp! Good thing we got rained out by 11:30!

Saturday:
1 tea with 1 1/2 sugar (shoulda brought some splenda with me)
1 whole wheat bagel with cream cheese
2 glasses of "mango madness" (vodka, Seven Up! mango juice)
*And this was all before noon.

Saturday Cont'd:
Half a turkey sand which
1 handful of corn nuts
1 ice cream on a waffle cone (because who doesn't want an ice cream at the beach?)
3 (individual) fries with gravy
2 handfuls of sunflower seeds
3 handfuls of sour cream and onion rings
1 hamburger with cheese
1 1/2 helpings of macaroni salad
3 wine spritzers
more sour cream and onion rings
more corn nuts
2 marshmallows (because who doesn't want marshmallows cooked on the fire?)
Pretty sure there were a few handfuls of cheerio mix somewhere in the night as well
Total of 5 Bud Light Limes
*AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Sunday:
1 tea with 1 1/2 sugar
1 whole wheat bagel with cream cheese (don't even know if it was low fat - does it really matter at this point though?)
1 chicken nugget HappyMeal with diet coke
4 crackers when I got home
1 piece of boneless chicken breast
1 helping of potatoes
Pretty much half a loaf of bread
2 glasses of wine
3 handfuls of popcorn

OH.MY.GOD. I eat like a line backer!

And note to self Taryn: Doesn't look like the bread alone is causing your stomach to resemble dough.

This.Must.Stop.

Anything You Can Do...

There's nothing like a little friendly competition to propel me towards my goals!

I went away for a few days last week and came back to discover that another one of my very good friends has started a blog as well. Love that this trend is catching on, and love, love that it might translate to a little more motivation ;)

So back to my friend's blog: http://couchto25k.blogspot.com/. She's been at it for less than a week and she's already doing better than I have in over two months! Not to be outdone, this only means it's time to step up my game! In order to do that I should probably start by cleansing my body of all that I gorged on while on my little mini-break. If there was a competition on how much bread and cheese one could consume in 2 days, I'd be in the running! And that's not all, I actually got to the point where the thought of another french fry made me want to dry heave. How many french fries do you have to eat to get to that point? Answer: A LOT!

Yesterday I made a big bowl of Quinoa salad to pack for lunch this week. I figure I can get at least three servings out of one batch, which saves me the trouble of deciding what to bring for lunch for a few days. Quinoa is low in calories and very good for you. Hooray! Competition's on!

To be honest, there's really no competition at all. My wee friend has been little in both height and weight since I've known her. She might have gone from a size 2 to a 4 (unlikely) since she got married, but she'll be back on track in no time and, of course, I'll be behind her all the way (both in a supportive way and likely physically lagging waaay behind).

Dum Dum Da-Dum

Where have I been you ask? Well I guess you could say I was in hiding. Hiding from my shame. I could re-hash all the ways in which I wronged my body, but instead I choose to look forward. I will not dwell on the donut, pizza and cake I consumed in one day, nor will I think about the twice eaten butter drenched baked brie from last week. I've already forgotten about the two trips to MacDonald's and the night I treated myself to chicken fingers and fries is but a distant memory.

OMG GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE???

Somebody please stop me! Summer is now officially here and I have done nothing to rid the extra 10 lbs I gained over the year. I made a couple laughable attempts to go to the gym, but found that staying at home and watching the first season of True Blood was far more entertaining. I had a three day streak of eating well, and then succumbed to the temptation of pretty much everything my heart desired.

Hopefully the pending nuptials of my best friend will help crack the whip. Knowing I will be walking down the isle as a bridesmaid should be the kick in the ass I need to start taking this weight loss seriously again....I hope.

Craving the Forbidden Fruit

It's been a month since I last ate McDonald's. You may remember the incident when the drive-thru girl hit on me by adding another patty to my Quarter Pounder. Okay, I'm sure it was an innocent coincidence, but it was a little suspicious.

So my friend Justyna from sentinforrepair decided to document the not-so-healthy meals that she's been treating herself to in an attempt to not hide from the "grossness she's been putting into her body"(or something like that). I think it's a brilliant idea from a very creative mind. Unfortunately, all it's done for me is make me crave a Cheeseburger Happymeal. For days!

I'm a very hungry girl right now. I went through some pictures recently, which ranged from just before my wedding in September, to December. This catapulted my desire to get thin, so I've really been trying to crack down over the last couple of days. I've had some minor slip-ups here and there (like last night, after 3 tacos somehow didn't satisfy me, I ended up eating the left over cheese out of the bowl with a spoon) but for the most part I've been doing pretty well. It actually seems ridiculous considering it's only been three days, but weight loss is a minute by minute, hour by hour struggle.

As I've said before, the battle is only within. I can do this, but I have to fight with myself all day long. If I applied the same negotiation tactics I use on myself, to my job every day, I'd be incredibly successful.

Today I'm only consuming enough points for the day that will allow me to give into my craving for a Cheeseburger Happymeal tonight. The sad truth is that I will still be hungry after.

Another Weakend (Get it?)

Number of days since my last treat from Tim Hortons: 7 (at least)
Number of days since my last pound of chicken wings: 2
Number of days since my last pound of chicken wings before that: 1

2 pounds of chicken wings in 2 days! And I haven't even admitted to the fries that accompanied the wings! Or the booze! This is why I'm overweight!

Why? I can ask myself this simple question over and over. I can beat myself up about it over and over, but I'm still incapable of finding my willpower OVER AND OVER! I'm so good during the week. I limit my calories throughout the day, I take note of the number of Weight Watchers points I'm accumulating, I eat properly, there have even been a few nights that I've gone to bed hungry. It all becomes a wasted attempt once the weekend hits.

The problem is that I like to go out with friends and I like to be able to eat what they eat, because otherwise, I'll sit there salivating over their meals throughout dinner and, let's be honest, it kind of makes for an uncomfortable evening. Little side note: A couple of years ago I had gone to a mall food court on my lunch break with a friend from work. You know when you have too many options to choose from you almost always make the wrong choice and end up regretting it throughout your whole meal? Well this was the case for me that day. I had a boring sub, and she had some yummy, greasy Chinese food. I literally could not take my eyes off her plate the whole time we were there. I guess my mouth was watering excessively, so when I opened it to tell her her how great her lunch looked, I spit right.in.her.food! I apologized emphatically, and she laughed and said, "If you really wanted some you could have just asked!". I was mortified! Although, if you know me, you're aware of my issues with bodily fluids, and you'll also know that this ranks low on the list of mortifying moments involving said bodily fluids.

Sorry, I digress (I've always wanted to say that!).

So these are the situations I try to avoid when out for a bite to eat with friends. It's a lame excuse, I know. Willpower is all about overcoming the urge. I'm working on it, but in the meantime my only other option is to become a hermit or just steer clear of any outings that involve food. This makes me sad. Hand me a cookie.

The Devil Made Me Do It

What does it say about me that whenever I see the little icon above I think it's a cupcake or an ice cream cone. This is not a joke, I see that icon every time I log in to create a new blog entry - it's a cellular phone, btw, but I'm sure that's evident to everyone but me - and my first instinct is aways, mmmm...cupcake! This is why I'm overweight!

There's a Tim Horton's in my office building that I visit at least once a day for my morning tea. Most days I can hold off on the delicious muffins, donuts, or bagels, but sometimes, when the thought of one more Nutrigrain Bar turns my stomach, I can convince myself that a treat from Timmy's won't be the end of the world.

After my wedding, I may have gone a little overboard on the whole grain raspberry muffins that I had deprived myself of for so many months. Something about the words "whole grain" automatically translates to "OK to eat" in my mind. So today I requested a nutritional guide from Tim Hortons in hopes that if I keep it at my desk, every time I craved an afternoon donut or cookie, I would just look at the guide and remind myself that it's not worth the calories. Well, I discovered that a donut or cookie is the least of my concerns. That "OK to eat" whole grain raspberry muffin that I've allowed myself to eat approximately once a week since September 28th, 2008 is 400 calories and 17 GRAMS OF FAT! Umm, that's a quarter pounder from McDonald's!

Now, let's get something straight, I in no way thought that a muffin was a healthy choice. I've admitted many times that I caved for a muffin and was aware of how bad that was. I've declared that muffins equal muffin tops, but I never realized I was eating a quarter pounder for breakfast. I feel naive and a little humiliated...also, a little sick to my stomach.

On the bright side, I am now spreading the word (to the four people who read this blog) that muffins are very bad, but whole grain raspberry - or blueberry - muffins from Tim Hortons are baked in Satan's oven.

P.S. I won't judge you if you eat them...they're SO GOOD!

Is This Really Happening?

Today was a big day for me. Today I finally went back to the gym. It's been about 8 months since my last visit. Pathetic, I know. I got the idea on a whim...I was about to park my butt on the couch for the night, my usual routine, when suddenly, I looked at my husband and announced, "I think I'm going to go to the gym". He looked at me puzzled at first, like I was speaking Japanese, but his expression changed quickly and I could see he was impressed (damn, can't take it back now, I guess I really have to go).

I literally had butterflies as I drove over. The gym is not my happy place. I've always felt a little pang of insecurity going to the gym, like somebody's going to approach me when I step through the doors and tell me that I don't belong there. Once I got going though, I felt more at ease, and even a little good. I left the gym feeling optimistic and proud of myself. I'm still miles away, and it's going to take much more work, but at least I could end my day knowing I tried that extra bit harder.

Then I arrived home just as my husband was putting a tray of chocolate chip cookies (my kryptonite) in the oven. Sometimes my life feels like a bad sitcom.

Tonight, We Feast!

Tonight my friend Christine's coming over for dinner. I'm preparing what I'm referring to as "Our Last Supper", pasta in an olive oil and white wine sauce (WINE!) with sauteed onions, peppers and garlic. Definitely not a low cal meal, but why not go out with a bang? Tomorrow we'll go back to Lean Cuisines and Weight Watchers frozen dinners. Nothing like a fist sized portion of bland chicken and mushy vegetables. Mmmmm...

For some reason I can't recall the types of meals I prepared when I was on the Weight Watchers meal plan. It's like it's a part of my life that my brain has repressed for depriving myself of my favourite foods. It comes back to me in fragments; a flash of a turkey burger; a sandwich on paper thin bread; a bite sized piece of chocolate that I referred to as "dessert".

Of course, considering that it was really my mother who was preparing my meals, it's not so hard to understand my memory loss. Actually, that brings up a very valid point. It's much easier to abide by a diet when someone else has control over what you're eating. I have too much free reign living on my own! That, and I'm too lazy to prepare two separate meals for myself and my husband. It really is unfair to live with a man who can eat whatever he wants and still maintain a solid and lean physique. And let's be honest, if it was the other way around, I wouldn't want to eat steamed veggies and fish if I really didn't have to.

I feel like the more I talk this out, the more I talk MYSELF out of actually taking the necessary steps to lose weight.

I'm my own worst enemy.

Does Skinny FEEL Better than Food TASTES?

My good friend Melissa was telling me about a family member who was trying to shed some pounds, and every time she craved a french fry she would remind herself that skinny would feel better than the french fry would taste. Hmmm...

Let's see...I'm sure I would feel much better if I didn't have to fasten my summer capri's with an elastic band because I'm too fat to do them up. I'm sure I would feel MUCH better if I wasn't walking around with a camel toe because my pants are too tight. I'm serious. I could hold a pencil with the toe I have going on right now. Disgusting.

So why is it that whenever I'm staring at that piece of cheese cake, or bowl of chips, or slice of pizza, I can't remember how unattractive it all looks when it attaches itself to my hips?

Truth is, food makes me happy. Eating is a part of the day that I look forward to, but I managed to be just as happy when I was eliminating the cakes and chips and pizza, because I started noticing immediate results and it felt really, really good.

Maybe Melissa's family member was onto something...I'll let you know :)

Made Some Changes

What started out as a progress report for my weight-loss journey, has now turned into a confessional (hence the name) for all my wrong-doing while trying to lose that blasted 10 lbs. This is not me giving up, I'm just coming to terms with reality.

Today I thought it would be a good idea to try on some of my summer pants from last year. Apparently I've turned into a masochist. I can zip them up, but I wouldn't necessarily say they fit. Am now depressed. Depression leads to consumption. Consumption is what put my back in my fat pants. It's a vicious cycle!

Reality check of the day: Muffins lead to muffin top (shouldn't have eaten two of them last night)

When my time is up, I'd like to be reincarnated with Halle Berry's genes:



Who can I talk to about that?

Life's not fair.

Will Sell Out for Compliments

I swallowed the remainder of my dwindling pride on Saturday night and went to McDonald's (this was a mere 3 hours after eating chicken fingers and fries left over from a child's lunch), but then something magical happened. As I sheepishly took my change from the girl at the drive-thru window, she looked at me and said, "you're pretty". Two words and all of a sudden I didn't care about the 5000 calories I was about to consume. She said I was pretty, and for that moment, that's all I needed to hear to feel better about my lack of will-power...then I discovered a second quarter pound patty on my already quarter pound burger....maybe she thought that was what I was after when I dressed up and hit the drive-thru. Maybe this was a McDonald's staff flirt tactic, like throwing in another patty is the equivalent of writing down her phone number on the receipt. Whatever the case, I did not eat the second patty. The second patty is laying on the sidewalk of Hurontario Street. I may sell out for a compliment, but I cannot be bought with a double quarter pounder with cheese!

Constant Struggle

So I didn't eat the burger yesterday, but I needed something substantial so I had pasta from Tuckers Express Kitchen...it was whole wheat, and it wasn't a heavy sauce, but I'm still mad at myself anyway...mostly because I had pizza for dinner last night. So much for my break-up with cheese. Why is this so hard??

This morning I had a muffin - SO. BAD. In Weight Watchers terms, I've just consumed enough points for breakfast and lunch combined. Obviously I'm not off to a great start.

When you think about it, there are very few things in life that you have full control over, but one thing you can control - the most important thing - is yourself. When it comes to eating a muffin or a yogurt, I'm the one who makes the final decision, so why can't I persuade myself to make the right decision? I guess that's the million dollar question.

So Hungry!

There's a fight going on right now between my stomach and my brain. My stomach says "I'm hungry, and a salad just won't do" and my brain is saying "Shut-up stomach, this is why you''re fat".

I've been eating more consciously lately, much more so than say, two weeks ago, but I still have a ways to go. I'm a bit grumpy today, and really hungry. I was in a rush this morning and ran out of the house without packing a lunch. This is when temptation is at its peak. I'll have to get in my car to pick something up, but then I'll have all the forbidden fruit right at my fingertips. I'm itching for a hamburger. Comfort food for a sucky day. Once I get into my car I have to prepare for battle...I really hope my brain wins this one.

P.S. I'm officially adding cheese to my list of weaknesses. I need to break up with cheese. Cheese has been walking all over me for years.

Forgot to Mention...

My husband thinks it's funny to refer to me as Moto Moto from Madagascar, not because Moto Moto means "Hot Hot" in English, but because Moto Moto looks like this:



This is not helping.

Before you go thinking my husband's a huge jerk, he really doesn't think I'm fat. He's tired of hearing me say that I'm fat and he's also tired of telling me I'm not. He warned me that if I keep saying it, this would happen. I guess I have to get used to my nickname for a while.

So I started this blog with the idea that if I documented my weight loss journey, it would keep me on track. I figured that the embarrassment of even two people knowing when I cheated would be enough to whip me into shape. Unfortunately somewhere along the line I decided that the same logic does not apply to weekends(?). Let's backtrack:



Wednesday:

After the conference I stuck around for a little mix and mingle and consumed:
3 crackers with cheese (gah! more cheese)
1 wine spritzer (but see, I watered it down!)

Dinner:
1 barbecued boneless chicken breast
Spinach salad with a low-fat poppy seed dressing
1 Diet Pepsi

Snack:
0 (back on track - hooray!).


Thursday: One step forward TEN steps back.

Breakfast:
1 large steeped tea with milk and sweetener
1 Nutrigrain bar

Lunch:
What I brought - Weight Watchers english muffin with peanut butter and an apple
What I ate - Quarter chicken white with FRIES - WHAT.THE.F*CK.

Dinner:
Toast and my apple from lunch (this was punishment for the guilt, also, my tummy hurt)

Snack:
1 100 calorie ice-cream cup (SO hungry from only eating toast for dinner)


Friday:

Breakfast:
1 large steeped tea with milk and sweetener
1 yogurt cup with berries

Lunch:
1 Tim Hortons chicken snack wrap with ranch sauce
1 Diet Pepsi

Dinner:
Chicken Stir-fry with steamed rice
2 glasses of red wine (It's Friday whoooo!!)

Snack:
Three (or five) handfuls of chips (It's Friday whooooo!)

Okay, I can't...I can't finish off the rest of the weekend. It's just too embarrassing. Pizza and chips and burgers and wine - OH MY! And lets face it, I wasn't doing all that well to begin with. I've decided to change this blog from "my weight loss journey" to "read this and feel better about your own self control" because I clearly have none.

Let's try this again (there's that word AGAIN). What was I thinking trying to start fresh on a Tuesday. Monday, that's the golden ticket! So away I go...

Monday:

Breakfast:
1 large steeped tea with milk and sweetener
1 Nutrigrain bar

Stay tuned...

Day 2: Willpower!

Stay away from the cookie!

I'm in a sales conference all day today. The lunch spread includes salads, fruits, cold cut wraps and cheesy foccacia turkey sandwiches....and of course the dreaded cookies. I managed to steer clear of the cookies, but rewarded myself with the cheesy foccacia sammie over the wrap...this is not going well.

All that work for nothing

I was always the "skinny one" in the family. The one who could eat whatever she wanted and still stay thin. I can't count the times I heard my mother tell me it would all catch up to me one day as I sat on the couch eating a whole row of "Mr. Christies" chocolate chip cookies at a time. As I discovered many times while growing up, my mom is ALWAYS right.

I was 22 when the pudge came. A result of being comfortable and happy in a one-year-old relationship. We wined and dined and year after year as the relationship grew, so too did the pudge. By 26 I was, what my aunt so endearingly referred to me as, a "hefty" 145 lbs. I had gained approx 25 lbs in the 5 years my boyfriend and I had been together...and then he proposed.

We set our wedding date almost 2 years out. Plenty of time to lose the 20 lbs I told myself I would. In the first year of our engagement I dropped 5 lbs without even thinking of it, but by the time my wedding was nine months away I knew I needed to get cracking. I started Weight Watchers and immediately started noticing results. While practicing a little portion control and eliminating the unhealthy snacking, my stomach became flatter, my hips started to shrink and I started to see the body I once knew. I never did reach my goal of 25 lbs but I did manage to get my weight down to 128 lbs by the time my big day came. A total weight loss of 17 lbs! It was an accomplishment I was proud of.

I vowed to myself that I wouldn't be the girl who gains it all back. You know what they say about being a newlywed, but I was adamant that after all the hard work, I would not let that happen....

...it's been 6 months and I've already gained 12 of it back. I am officially THAT girl.

So today is the day (again) that I set out to seek my waistline. First things first, I need to tackle my weaknesses:

Fast food

Cookies

Desserts

Wine (this one won't be easy...I drink it, I cook with it, I would probably bathe in it if I had the self control not to drink it out of the tub)

As of 2pm I have consumed:

1 medium steeped tea with milk and sweetener

1 Nutrigrain bar

2lbs of leftover pasta...cooked in wine. UGH!

This is going to be tough!