Is This Really Happening?

Today was a big day for me. Today I finally went back to the gym. It's been about 8 months since my last visit. Pathetic, I know. I got the idea on a whim...I was about to park my butt on the couch for the night, my usual routine, when suddenly, I looked at my husband and announced, "I think I'm going to go to the gym". He looked at me puzzled at first, like I was speaking Japanese, but his expression changed quickly and I could see he was impressed (damn, can't take it back now, I guess I really have to go).

I literally had butterflies as I drove over. The gym is not my happy place. I've always felt a little pang of insecurity going to the gym, like somebody's going to approach me when I step through the doors and tell me that I don't belong there. Once I got going though, I felt more at ease, and even a little good. I left the gym feeling optimistic and proud of myself. I'm still miles away, and it's going to take much more work, but at least I could end my day knowing I tried that extra bit harder.

Then I arrived home just as my husband was putting a tray of chocolate chip cookies (my kryptonite) in the oven. Sometimes my life feels like a bad sitcom.

Tonight, We Feast!

Tonight my friend Christine's coming over for dinner. I'm preparing what I'm referring to as "Our Last Supper", pasta in an olive oil and white wine sauce (WINE!) with sauteed onions, peppers and garlic. Definitely not a low cal meal, but why not go out with a bang? Tomorrow we'll go back to Lean Cuisines and Weight Watchers frozen dinners. Nothing like a fist sized portion of bland chicken and mushy vegetables. Mmmmm...

For some reason I can't recall the types of meals I prepared when I was on the Weight Watchers meal plan. It's like it's a part of my life that my brain has repressed for depriving myself of my favourite foods. It comes back to me in fragments; a flash of a turkey burger; a sandwich on paper thin bread; a bite sized piece of chocolate that I referred to as "dessert".

Of course, considering that it was really my mother who was preparing my meals, it's not so hard to understand my memory loss. Actually, that brings up a very valid point. It's much easier to abide by a diet when someone else has control over what you're eating. I have too much free reign living on my own! That, and I'm too lazy to prepare two separate meals for myself and my husband. It really is unfair to live with a man who can eat whatever he wants and still maintain a solid and lean physique. And let's be honest, if it was the other way around, I wouldn't want to eat steamed veggies and fish if I really didn't have to.

I feel like the more I talk this out, the more I talk MYSELF out of actually taking the necessary steps to lose weight.

I'm my own worst enemy.

Does Skinny FEEL Better than Food TASTES?

My good friend Melissa was telling me about a family member who was trying to shed some pounds, and every time she craved a french fry she would remind herself that skinny would feel better than the french fry would taste. Hmmm...

Let's see...I'm sure I would feel much better if I didn't have to fasten my summer capri's with an elastic band because I'm too fat to do them up. I'm sure I would feel MUCH better if I wasn't walking around with a camel toe because my pants are too tight. I'm serious. I could hold a pencil with the toe I have going on right now. Disgusting.

So why is it that whenever I'm staring at that piece of cheese cake, or bowl of chips, or slice of pizza, I can't remember how unattractive it all looks when it attaches itself to my hips?

Truth is, food makes me happy. Eating is a part of the day that I look forward to, but I managed to be just as happy when I was eliminating the cakes and chips and pizza, because I started noticing immediate results and it felt really, really good.

Maybe Melissa's family member was onto something...I'll let you know :)

Made Some Changes

What started out as a progress report for my weight-loss journey, has now turned into a confessional (hence the name) for all my wrong-doing while trying to lose that blasted 10 lbs. This is not me giving up, I'm just coming to terms with reality.

Today I thought it would be a good idea to try on some of my summer pants from last year. Apparently I've turned into a masochist. I can zip them up, but I wouldn't necessarily say they fit. Am now depressed. Depression leads to consumption. Consumption is what put my back in my fat pants. It's a vicious cycle!

Reality check of the day: Muffins lead to muffin top (shouldn't have eaten two of them last night)

When my time is up, I'd like to be reincarnated with Halle Berry's genes:



Who can I talk to about that?

Life's not fair.

Will Sell Out for Compliments

I swallowed the remainder of my dwindling pride on Saturday night and went to McDonald's (this was a mere 3 hours after eating chicken fingers and fries left over from a child's lunch), but then something magical happened. As I sheepishly took my change from the girl at the drive-thru window, she looked at me and said, "you're pretty". Two words and all of a sudden I didn't care about the 5000 calories I was about to consume. She said I was pretty, and for that moment, that's all I needed to hear to feel better about my lack of will-power...then I discovered a second quarter pound patty on my already quarter pound burger....maybe she thought that was what I was after when I dressed up and hit the drive-thru. Maybe this was a McDonald's staff flirt tactic, like throwing in another patty is the equivalent of writing down her phone number on the receipt. Whatever the case, I did not eat the second patty. The second patty is laying on the sidewalk of Hurontario Street. I may sell out for a compliment, but I cannot be bought with a double quarter pounder with cheese!

Constant Struggle

So I didn't eat the burger yesterday, but I needed something substantial so I had pasta from Tuckers Express Kitchen...it was whole wheat, and it wasn't a heavy sauce, but I'm still mad at myself anyway...mostly because I had pizza for dinner last night. So much for my break-up with cheese. Why is this so hard??

This morning I had a muffin - SO. BAD. In Weight Watchers terms, I've just consumed enough points for breakfast and lunch combined. Obviously I'm not off to a great start.

When you think about it, there are very few things in life that you have full control over, but one thing you can control - the most important thing - is yourself. When it comes to eating a muffin or a yogurt, I'm the one who makes the final decision, so why can't I persuade myself to make the right decision? I guess that's the million dollar question.

So Hungry!

There's a fight going on right now between my stomach and my brain. My stomach says "I'm hungry, and a salad just won't do" and my brain is saying "Shut-up stomach, this is why you''re fat".

I've been eating more consciously lately, much more so than say, two weeks ago, but I still have a ways to go. I'm a bit grumpy today, and really hungry. I was in a rush this morning and ran out of the house without packing a lunch. This is when temptation is at its peak. I'll have to get in my car to pick something up, but then I'll have all the forbidden fruit right at my fingertips. I'm itching for a hamburger. Comfort food for a sucky day. Once I get into my car I have to prepare for battle...I really hope my brain wins this one.

P.S. I'm officially adding cheese to my list of weaknesses. I need to break up with cheese. Cheese has been walking all over me for years.

Forgot to Mention...

My husband thinks it's funny to refer to me as Moto Moto from Madagascar, not because Moto Moto means "Hot Hot" in English, but because Moto Moto looks like this:



This is not helping.

Before you go thinking my husband's a huge jerk, he really doesn't think I'm fat. He's tired of hearing me say that I'm fat and he's also tired of telling me I'm not. He warned me that if I keep saying it, this would happen. I guess I have to get used to my nickname for a while.

So I started this blog with the idea that if I documented my weight loss journey, it would keep me on track. I figured that the embarrassment of even two people knowing when I cheated would be enough to whip me into shape. Unfortunately somewhere along the line I decided that the same logic does not apply to weekends(?). Let's backtrack:



Wednesday:

After the conference I stuck around for a little mix and mingle and consumed:
3 crackers with cheese (gah! more cheese)
1 wine spritzer (but see, I watered it down!)

Dinner:
1 barbecued boneless chicken breast
Spinach salad with a low-fat poppy seed dressing
1 Diet Pepsi

Snack:
0 (back on track - hooray!).


Thursday: One step forward TEN steps back.

Breakfast:
1 large steeped tea with milk and sweetener
1 Nutrigrain bar

Lunch:
What I brought - Weight Watchers english muffin with peanut butter and an apple
What I ate - Quarter chicken white with FRIES - WHAT.THE.F*CK.

Dinner:
Toast and my apple from lunch (this was punishment for the guilt, also, my tummy hurt)

Snack:
1 100 calorie ice-cream cup (SO hungry from only eating toast for dinner)


Friday:

Breakfast:
1 large steeped tea with milk and sweetener
1 yogurt cup with berries

Lunch:
1 Tim Hortons chicken snack wrap with ranch sauce
1 Diet Pepsi

Dinner:
Chicken Stir-fry with steamed rice
2 glasses of red wine (It's Friday whoooo!!)

Snack:
Three (or five) handfuls of chips (It's Friday whooooo!)

Okay, I can't...I can't finish off the rest of the weekend. It's just too embarrassing. Pizza and chips and burgers and wine - OH MY! And lets face it, I wasn't doing all that well to begin with. I've decided to change this blog from "my weight loss journey" to "read this and feel better about your own self control" because I clearly have none.

Let's try this again (there's that word AGAIN). What was I thinking trying to start fresh on a Tuesday. Monday, that's the golden ticket! So away I go...

Monday:

Breakfast:
1 large steeped tea with milk and sweetener
1 Nutrigrain bar

Stay tuned...